Just Another Random Parody of Resident Evil 4
by Lieutenant Kitsurubami
Summary: The title tells all. please read, though!
1. Chapter 1

Just Another Random Parody Of Resident Evil 4

Session 1

Xysti

* * *

Disclaimer: If you think I own RE, then talk to Bob the EVIL zombie here!

Bob: Naargh. I'm evil.

SEE!

* * *

(AN: This story takes place right before Leon saves Ashley... so yeah)

Leon opened the door to the chapel... and sighed. Seriously, WHY did Saddler have to create puzzles for EVERY DAMNED SECTION of the town? He walked up to the altar and ate the pretzel shaped like the Los Illuminados symbol on the stand. He looked around, and pulled out his handgun. He pointed it at the big glowy thingy in front of him, and said, "Dude"

The window thingy replied, somehow, "What?"

"Hurry up and unlock the door before I shoot you."

"Hell no!"

Leon sighed again and pulled out his infinite rocket launcher. He pointed it at the glass.

"OKAY! OKAY! GO ALREADY! JUST POINT THAT SOMEWHERE ELSE!" The portcullis slid upwards on the next floor.

"Good. Now gimme a ladder or something. Last time I ripped my pants on that fucking chandelier." spoth Leon.

"I SWEAR THAT CHANDELIER IS A VIRGIN!"

"Regardless."

"Ok then... Look at my centre. What do you see?"

"Glass, duh!"

"Look closer."

"Still only see glass"

"Look closer..."

"Glass."

"CLOSER!"

"What? You mean you actually want me to MOVE? So picky!" Step, step, step. "There! Now what?"

"Look at the centre!"

"Hey, a rock!"

"NEXT TO THAT!"

"The chicken?"

"NO! THE PIECE OF PAPER!"

"Hey, there's a piece of paper here!"

"That's what I was trying to say!"

"HEY! No stealing credit from ME, fool!"

"JUST TAKE THE PAPER!"

"Okay, no need to yell!"

"..."

"It says:

"_Roses are pink,_

_my socks are brown,_

_Saddler is scary_

_and so is that clown._

_WHO DOES NOT IN ANY WAY RELATE TO A CERTAIN ANNOYING CASTELLAR NAMED SALAZAR WHO PAINTED ME IN DIFFERENT COLOURS! EVEN PINK! PINK, I SAY!_

"What the hell?"

"Flip it over. You had it on the wrong side."

"Oh" Flip. "Here it goes:

"_I'm a lawn gnome, _

_sitting on the grass thinking_

_I'm a lawn gnome,_

_and THAT CERTAIN CASTELLAR is stinkin'!_

"Were you dropped when you were little?"

"DUH! Why do you think I'm in different colours and glued together?"

"I thought you were a representation of America!"

"Really?"

"No"

"Oh."

"Hey! Another piece of paper!"

"That's a tablecloth..."

"SO? It's got writing on!"

"What does it say?"

"Ahem.

"_Look on the wall, idiot._"

Leon looked at the wall, saw the ladder, and said, "Man, that was stupid"

"What do you expect from an insane Spanish geezer, a (very evil, I must admit) midget, and heated sand formed into small translucent shards of colour?"

"Babies?"

"Exactly."

Leon looked at the ladder, and suddenly shot the window/puzzle thing. After laughing maniacally for a few minutes, he walked over to the ladder and ascended.

He started to open the door, but a high voice yelled, "Hey! Knock before you enter!"

"Okay... Sorry" Leon said as he closed the door. He then knocked.

"Who is it?"

"Leon Kennedy. I have come under orders from the President to rescue you."

"What? My father?"

"Your father? No, some bub named George Bush or something."

"Oh..."

"Hey, I'm just kidding. Your daddy's still President."

"Neato!"

"Please don't do that ever again."

"Sorry..."

"So... can I come in?"

"Hell no!"

"Why not?"

"I'm naked!"

"Why the hell are you naked?"

"I was itching in a place not normally scratched..."

"Eeew!"

"Well, hurry up..."

A moment passed by filled with "ouch"s and a brief scream. She said, breathless, "You can come in now"

"Okay." He walked in, ignoring the strange-coloured stain on the floor. He grabbed her arm and rushed out of the room with her.

"What took you so long?" Saddler said, waiting on a beach recliner in the middle of the chapel sipping a soda.

"Little Miss Itchy here took the time to pleasure herself, and I had to wait for her to get dressed." answered Leon

"I WAS NOT MASTURBATING!" yelled Ashley.

"Sure you weren't"

"Grrrrr..."

Saddler took a long draw from his straw. "Well, I might as well get this over with... Archers, shoot the male, capture the girl. HEY! I WAS TALKING TO YOU!"

One of the archers hurriedly looked up from his issue of Playboy and said, "Oh! I heard you! Hey! Bob! Stop looking at that woman and shoot the dude!"

"Never mind. He jumped out that window." sighed Saddler.

* * *

Leon brushed the glass off of himself and helped up Ashley. He walked over to the nearby door before he was shot in the back by a crossbow bolt and collapsed.

Ashley screamed and hid behind a box. Leon gasped and asked her, "(cough) Is there a medicine kit on the shelf there?"

"Uh... Yes! Here's one with a big word written in red on it!"

"Well, (cough) what does the damned thing say?"

"I... don't know"

"What? Look at it!"

"Well... I can't read..."

"WHAT? Why didn't (cough) you learn?"

"It's kinda complicated..."

FLASHBACK!

A 4-year-old Ashley was sitting on her bed, reading a book.

"The c-cat... in the h... in the ha... Fuck this! I'm gonna be a stripper."

FLASH!

"Damn, that sucks."

"Tell me about it. But my path let me go into all these clubs with metal bars stuck to the floor. I think mine was the better calling."

"Just hand (cough) me the box..." She threw it to him, and he said, "This is in Spanish. What the hell, lemme try it anyway." He opened it and swallowed some pills inside. As he grew dizzy, he said, "Damn, Imessed up.. What? Elephants? PINK ELEPHANTS? NOOO! GET AWAY! AAARGH!"

* * *

Please R&R... I guess.


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome to a new chapter of JARRE4P!

Disclaimer: Resident Evil 4 NOT MINE. LEARN IT.

By Xysti

* * *

Leon woke up several hours later with a pounding headache. He looked up and saw that Ashley wasn't there. He started to think about banana fudge sundaes when he saw a note on the floor. He read it as such, trying as hard as he could to ignore his dyslexia and the sudden food thoughts:

_You suck BANANAS. You're supposed to Ashley help escape CHICKEN NUGGETS, NOT sit there and be idiotified MUSHROOMS._ _Sent we've a chainsaw MONKEY bub to you kill._

He sat there and thought, _Roasted muffins dashed lightly with succulent garlic sauce! That little taco!_ And moved toward the door. He then stopped and flipped the note over. He read that side:

_Just kidding you stupid CHEESEBURGER WITH FUNKY CHEESE SLICES idiot._ _Go back to village the. Worry don't, everyone's dead. Go to PICKLED TURNIPS house the with the thing and the thing other. Ashley DOUGHNUTS there is too._

_Serra Luis_

Leon shouted, "LEMOOOON SHRIMPIES!" and ran out the door. He found a conveniently placed watermelon in front of the church. He jumped on it and bellowed thus with glee: "BACON FRITTERS, HERE AH CUUUUUUUUUME!" and rolled down the mini-hill and into the cave/house thing. He stopped suddenly at the Merchant (Henceforth known as Phil) and said, "Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssseeeee..." and his watermelon exploded. He then bought a new one for €34 (Phil finally joined the rest of Spain) and rolled away. Then Phil teleported in his freaky, freaky way to the house where Luis and the chick with the boobs were.

When Phil was gone, Leon turned around the corner. He stashed the watermelon in his "pocket of holding" (I'm a D&D fan) where he managed to keep large amounts of weaponry. He then looked mischievously at the bag of teleport powder Phil had dropped. He laughed maniacally... again... and ate it.

* * *

"And that's how I learned never to feed sushi to flying monkeys." said Luis as he sucked the soul out of his cigarette.

"What?" Ashley said, lounging in a nearby recliner while chomping on a sub sandwich.

"Uh... Exactly what I said!"

"No, not that. You were talking about your vacation on that cruise when Leon appeared and you suddenly said, 'And that's how I learned never to feed sushi to flying monkeys.'"

"Uh... (Damn you!)"

"Whatever."

Leon looked confuzzlified(I own that word!), and ate a chili burrito. It exploded... and killed... a dude...named Ted... but no one cared... so Ted started crying. Then he was eaten. By a monkey. Who became French. And exploded. And died. But he couldn't cry. Because MONKEYS DON'T CRY!

Phil was, like, "DUDE why did you steal mah powder?"

And Leon was all like, "I didn't steal your powder! OMG!"

"Then, like, how did you get here?"

"I, like, used your powder!"

"That is, like, SO neat!"

"Like, OMG, I left my watermelon back in the cave! This, like, SUCKS!"

Ashley was all like- I mean, SAID, "Yo! Luis! Why did you call us here anyway?"

Luis responded, in his awesomely bad accent, "Shh. Shh. This is priceless. I haven't heard Phil talk like a schoolgirl since 1985,"

Ashley Just said, "Whatever..." and continued eating her sandwich.

All of a sudden Dr. Salvatore(Chainsaw bub) came up behind Ashley and said, "NEERAAAAGH!" Ashley just screamed, in her annoying, annoying way, "LEEEEEEEEOOON! HEEEEELP!"

Leon just said, "Salvatore(Henceforth known as Fred)! I just, like, LOVE what you've done with the sack!"

"Do you like it? I added this GREAT frill, and it, like, looks AWESOME!"

Ashley screamed, "XYSTI! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

* * *

Xysti woke up, took one look at the screen, and hit the SCHOOLGIRL MODE OFF button repeatedly. Then, fell back asleep.

* * *

Fred squealed, "OMG! THAT IS SOO- Uh... I mean... NEERAAAAAAARGH!"

Luis was, like, "...And he said, 'Maybe.' Can you believe it? He said- I mean, Ashley! Look out!"

Leon was curling his hair with his index finger and said "That chainsaw is SO CUUUTE! It's just- I mean, APPLE PIE!"

Phil just screamed, "OMG! SOMEBODY SAVE ME- I mean, OMG! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Some random dude opened the window and said, "I guess he's just like a schoolgirl anyway!" and then laughed heartily along with the laugh track. Then he exploded, as with what happens with every extra on my stories.

Fred was just about to decapitate Ashley(wouldn't that be awesome) when he just chuckled and said, "Just kidding! I'm not evil anymore!"

Leon was apprehensive. "How are we supposed to know you're telling the truth?"

The door suddenly opened and a short fat man came through. He waddled up to Leon, handed him a piece of paper, and said, "I'm Fred's lawyer. He is not evil anymore! I even got Xysti to sign a contract to put him in the fic, or I'd blackmail her!"

* * *

Xysti looked up. "I hate that bastard..." she muttered and started reading again.

* * *

"Okay, okay... Go away..." grumbled Leon.

Fred's lawyer closed his suitcase and walked away.

"That was a relief..." sighed Ashley. Just then the lawyer came back and said, "Oh yeah. Xysti also signed a blackmail-guarded form that says I can stop chapters whenever I want..."

* * *

"Bastard..." Xysti mumbled without looking up.

* * *

"...So this chapter is OVER!"

* * *

R&R, fool! 


End file.
